Inducing action to improve Child Custody outcomes by identifying a need

I was once waiting in a line starting at three a.m. and upon awakening from my brief slumber which was upon the asphalt surface surrounding the building I began my stretching and meditation routine. The guy whom I was assisting sighed and exclaimed, “I wish I had that type of discipline.” I explained to him as I write here. It’s not discipline but part of fulfilling my biological need for exercise.

I previously wrote in My Top 10 Priorities about the needs which we all actually have plus some other activities that give my life meaning and fulfillment. I felt that what I had originally listed there then was rather comprehensive although when cruising around with Rupert Boneham one evening the subject of needs was broached and he mentioned that fire, or heat, was a need. Coming from someone who had been on the show Survivor multiple times I gave his inclusion of heat as a need full weight and amended my list.

As for exercise being a need it cannot be considered an absolute need as there have been plenty of long-term comatose patients who were bedridden and did not exercise. If however, optimal health or longevity is sought then exercise is essential to achieving those outcomes.

As for me, I seek both. I seek longevity and having a robust active lifestyle while I am biologically plugging away. I have created such a strong predisposition in myself for the attachment of the chemical connectedness to the flow produced from my exercise and meditation routines that it can impede my studies and productivity. Like those who habitually use caffeine, marijuana, cocaine or any other psychoactive drug to alter their mood I use exercise to achieve the same. If I miss my routine I clearly am in a different mood and may get headaches, be irritable, or lethargic. There have been times when I have engaged in vigorous exercise for greater than five hours knowing I should stop but also thriving on the serotonin rush. Thus, I now employ strategies, such as time blocking, to ensure that I do not allow myself to be consumed by physical activity.

By framing exercise in the realm of need, just as oxygen or food, it is no longer considered optional. Every day I awaken and know that I will soon be attending to my needs. Breathing comes naturally as does excreting processed food which tends to set its own schedule. Just like eating, exercise is scheduled - usually prior to eating so as not to have smooth muscles competing with striated [skeletal] muscles for blood supply.

It may seem that doing such things as changing diet, ceasing the use of toxins and mood altering chemicals, and initiating an exercise routine into a lifestyle in which those needs have been neglected is an unsurmountable task. This feeling is more prominent in those people who have been given plans that are set-up to insure failure. I, however, have strategies available to clients that ensures their success in reframing these actions as needs. There is a different need that is of equal or greater importance for parents and children involved in child custody battles.

In child custody cases needs for parents and the children are greater than those of the ordinary person. Continuing with the optimal well-being qualification, attentiveness to children, respect for the other parent, and establishing a long-range view of the relationships with all persons involved can be viewed as essential supplemental needs.

Children have a range of reactions to parental conflict or the reordering of their relationship. Children need parents who are cognizant of and attentive to their reactions to the conflict or turmoil and the effect it is having on them. Attentive parents will act to ensure that their actions are in alignment with fulfilling the needs of the children. This may require going against cultural norms and standing up to pressures from family and friends who lack the greater insight of an attentive and mindful parent.

The United States, especially among the plains and mountain regions, is predominantly imbued by an honour culture. Aggression and violence are expected and often sanctified as means of defending one’s honour or rightful place in the hierarchy of respect. Thus, there is a cultural resistance to substituting the well-being of children for the honour demands of a parent. Likewise, parents who have been a part of organized aggression and violence against children with built in honours, such as serving in the US imperial armed forces, may find this to be a greater challenge but I do have strategies that enable them to come to a child centered cognitive focus.

Children need the attention, affection, respect, and reassurances that both parents can provide during or following a reordering of the parental relationship. By being mindful of every action and attentive to the effect upon the children it is easy to reframe a desire to seek retribution or accountability against the other parent for committing a perceived offense to a thought such as “I need to not perpetuate the conflict and trust myself that I am modeling an appropriate behaviour that my child will understand is in his or her best interest.”

Parents each showed great reverence to the other when establishing that life-long bond surrounding mutual child creation and rearing. Children need for their parents to continue that respect throughout their lives. As a parent who is respectful of your child and his or her needs it is incumbent upon you to continue to revere the other parent for his or her part in creating the child with you and to comply with the court orders regardless of whether that respect or obedience is reciprocated.

If I have yet to be convincing at this point then imagine this scenario. Your child is snuggled with his or her future spouse compiling a list of to whom wedding invitations are to be sent. The fiance notices that your child has not included either parent and mentions such. Your child then begins crying and explains that both parents are so bitter towards each other and argue so often that he or she fears inviting them because they may cause a scene and it wouldn’t be fair to invite one and not the other because they both cause the fights.

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Parents who would like to achieve the best outcome for their children in a contested child custody case should visit my website and contact my scheduler to make an appointment to meet with me. Attorneys may request a free consultation to learn how I can maximize their advocacy for their clients.

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©2008, 2015 Stuart Showalter, LLC. Permission is granted to all non-commercial entities to reproduce this article in it's entirety with credit given.

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Assessing Parents, Assessing Each Other and Evolving Perceptions in a High Conflict Custody Battle

The one who put the twinkle in your eye, that former lover that you want to die.

Often you may find me writing about the nuances of language and the importance of effective communication. Communication, as I have expressed, involves far more than the words selected. Through our increased use of electronic transmittal of printed words the majority of communication is being lost.

This concept has long been expressed by our reviewing courts who state that trial court judges are in a better position to weigh witness testimony because the reviewing court can only see a cold transcript.[fn1] The reason being that it is not just the words used but how they are conveyed; the tone, inflection, volume, and speed of delivery in addition to the range of body movements. In natural settings these factors would also include personal space, physical interaction and gesticulation all of which play a more important role.

It is this cacophony of non verbal data that our brains miraculously use to make an instant assessment of the speaker. An assessment that is hardwired into our brains.[fn2] My skills at accurate first impressions while initially robust where honed during my time as an inmate in a high security prison where accurate threat assessment is a necessary survival skill. This need was dramatized during a riot in which the fight-or-flight stress response was fully activated. It was during the moments while inmates controlled a 1200 man campus before staff was able to initiate a lock down that some first impressions were made and others recalled.

These first impressions become the script or lens through which we process future communication from the speaker. Repetition reinforces this hardwired perception while deliberate action is needed to rewire the brain. Action may be performed by the speaker, the receiver or a combination of both. In parenting following separation the perception of the other parent is well grounded in the neural network and opportunity for change is restricted by their muted interaction.

While most divorces are resolved amicably there is a small segment of parents who engage in bitter hostilities towards each other through the court system. One longitudinal study [fn3] revealed that 80% of women and slightly fewer men were angry at their former spouse but the intensity of the anger and hostility by women was greater. The most hostile of these parents fall into the realm of what is known as high conflict parents, about one-fifth of women and slightly fewer men.

The men in this group may be physically abusive and while trying to convince the court that the mother is emotionally unfit to have custody these fathers had not had a nurturing relationship with their children prior to the divorce. The threatened custody battle was a weapon of control. The underlying motivation often being reconciliation.

Alternatively, the mothers in this group engaged in bitter tirades against the father in the presence of the children. Their rage against the fathers in view of the children was intended to convince the children that their fathers did not care for them. While they vigorously denied it, the motive of these mothers was to fracture the relationship between the fathers and the children.[fn3]

These hostile parents who take their battles to the adversarial process of the courts have their shattered self-esteem resurrected by the status and perceived legitimacy that a court offers. Opportunities for amicable settlement are hindered as differences and perceptions are stratified and civilized communication becomes neither valued nor possible. Forms of exchange that reduce the course of hostile communication becomes the norm.

That is, both the courts and parents tend to favour the logical approach of having communication be made through written means so as to reduce conflict and provide a record of the communication. Thoughts expressed can be more deliberate rather than a snap reaction to a statement made in the heat of an argument.

There is certainly validity to this approach and it has no doubt resulted in securing the safety of the parents when Domestic Violence may be a factor. There is an oft unconsidered loss that occurs through this method though – the opportunity to reduce conflict. This was aptly demonstrated in a case where I recently presented testimony about my assessment of the communication between the parents. Their communication has been exclusively through emails. The mother stated that she doesn't anticipate that they will ever be able to communicate through any other means. She also said she tries to read between the lines of the messages for ulterior motives. Her testimony was that father's conciliatory gestures are nothing more than posturing for the court. Her perception of him is clearly hardwired in her brain. Peeling away those layers that have built upon themselves and observing current behaviours in isolation can open up opportunities for amicable interactions.

One of his conciliatory offerings has been giving her opportunities for additional parenting time which he incorrectly attributed to me. I only supplied the impetus for him to assess the current parenting time order from his point of view, then hers and finally from that of the children. A few days later after doing a spreadsheet analysis he calls me and says “she really got screwed”. He has them all weekends and she has them most weekdays since they attend school in the town where she resides. I then prodded him to assess the parenting time from the perspective of the children. It was at that time when he observed that the children wouldn't be able to do typical weekend activities with neighborhood friends and classmates – birthday parties, sleepovers and such. Through this child centered approach he conceived offering to her one weekend a month of her choice. To her it was posturing – motivated only to appear good to the court – because she is still using the adversarial approach and seeing her sole custody petition as a tool for resolving a parenting conflict. She doesn't want to communicate with him and by having sole custody she perceives that she won't need to do such.

In my testimony I praised both parents for their improved communication and mitigating conflict by dropping what I call the “digs” – those subtle insults – from their messages to each other. While I was only able to assess her parenting through a forensic examination of emails, I have coached him for over a year and was able to observe he and the children on multiple occasions. My assessment was that I didn't believe either parents was harming the children. They both are trying to provide what each feels are best practices for the children. Her reluctance to embrace co-parenting practices and accept the genuineness of his behaviour thwart what could easily be a manageable parenting arrangement.

I may have surprised all the parties by praising the actions of both mother and father but, while I was hired by the father, I am not a hired gun. My testimony about my opinion of the parents will always be based upon actual observances or perceptions from reviewing evidence, not just what one parent wants to hear.

In the immediate case these parents could greatly benefit from face-to-face parenting coordination which I offered to facilitate. In the alternative I believe that they would benefit from communication via Skype or other teleconferencing. This method provides the same protections of establishing a record, physical separation, and, as I ultimately believe will happen, reduced conflict. I don't advocate that courts immediately order parties to communicate through this method but after initial hostilities have waned then I suggest such facilitation of communication. Reengaging the broader range of communication will not only allow judicial officers to rely upon their own review of recordings rather than my analysis of emails but should be able to engage the parents in establishing a new lens by which to see each other.

If you are engaged in a high conflict parenting case and wish to improve communication then please visit my website and contact my scheduler to make an appointment to meet with me.

Footnotes
1] Appellate courts “are in a poor position to look at a cold transcript of the record, and conclude that the trial judge, who saw the witnesses, observed their demeanor, and scrutinized their testimony as it came from the witness stand, did not properly understand the significance of the evidence.” Kirk v. Kirk, 770 N.E.2d 304, 307 (Ind. 2002) (quoting Brickley v. Brickley, 247 Ind. 201, 204, 210 N.E.2d 850, 852 (1965)).
2] Randall J Harvey, PhD, Thirty-five Seconds to Survive a Gator?
3] Surviving the Breakup, 1979. Judith S Wallerstein, Joan B Kelly.

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Make a suggestion for me to write about.

Parents who would like to achieve the best outcome for their children in a contested child custody case should visit my website and contact my scheduler to make an appointment to meet with me. Attorneys may request a free consultation to learn how I can maximize their advocacy for their clients.

Connect with me for the latest Indiana child custody related policy considerations, findings, court rulings and discussions.

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©2008, 2013 Stuart Showalter, LLC. Permission is granted to all non-commercial entities to reproduce this article in it's entirety with credit given.

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Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines modifications hearing

The Domestic Relations Committee [DRC] of the Indiana Judicial Center held a public input session on Friday 21 May 2010 to receive comment about the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines. About 15 members of the public and stakeholders appeared and gave input. Following this session the DRC met to discuss the comments received during the hearing.

There was an overwhelming agreement that Section II(D)(1) provides the greatest confusion in the Guidelines.

"If the non-custodial parent misses a regular weekend because it is the custodial parent’s holiday, the regular alternating parenting time schedule will resume following the holiday.  If the non-custodial parent receives two consecutive weekends because of a holiday, the regular alternating parenting time schedule will resume the following weekend with the custodial parent."

I have talked to numerous judges, lawyers and parents who, among each group, have conflicting views on what this section means. The DRC clearly understands the problem and will be making a language change recommendation that will make this provision clear.

Numerous speakers made comments that included references to court ordered child support payments although the comment period was specifically for input on the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines. The comments were not entire lost on the DRC but since the Indiana Child Support Guidelines were amended effective this year it is unlikely that those comments will receive further attention.

The most important consideration from my point of view is whether children are getting the necessary access to both parents. There was overwhelming opinion that the guidelines are not being used effectively to ensure that children are receiving that. The DRC has echoed the opinion that the established minimum parenting time is being used as the standard.

The guidelines were established to be a tool to assist parents, attorneys and judicial officers in crafting parenting time arrangements. Instead, with much of the fault being attributed to attorney's misinforming clients, the guidelines are being applied as a rule for parenting time. The DRC understands that they need to craft stronger language advising parties that the guideline parenting time is a minimum that should be considered when creating a parenting time plan.

The DRC established 11 areas that recommended changes will be made in. Assignments to those subcommittees were made during the afternoon meeting. In March I made a presentation to the DRC about "Virtual Visitation". This is one section that will be added to the Guidelines. I will also be seeking to have it added to the statutory framework in the 2011 session of the Indiana General Assembly.

Significant and informative feedback was also received in writing. I will be presenting some of those to you in the near future.

The DRC will meet in additional sessions this year for the purpose of writing the revisions to the guidelines. It is the goal of the DRC to have the revised guidelines available this year for consideration by the Indiana Supreme Court for adoption at the beginning of 2011. Information on this process and our proposals may be found here.


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©2010 Stuart Showalter, LLC. Permission is granted to all non-commercial entities to reproduce this article in it's entirety with credit given.