10 March 2014 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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Over the weekend I performed a forensic assessment of a boy who is age 7. He was presented with “difficulties in cooperation, completing assignments, and being attentive in class.” His parents have been involved in years of ongoing litigation. The mother relocated the children to another town, changed their school, and has alienated them from the father. The father sought my assistance in the discipline and schooling problems.
In doing an assessment of a child this age I ask that the child write a story as instructed as follows:
Write a story about what it would be like if you were the President of the United States. Who would work in the White House with you and what would you have your parents do as jobs? What rules would you establish and what would happen to people who didn't follow your rules?
This boy's story revealed some very telling information.
~ [child] wanted his White House to be located halfway between the homes of his mother and father.
~ The job for his father was to be a helper or advisor to him.
~ The job for his mother was to be “cleaning up dog poo”
~ The punishment for people who would not do what [child] wanted could escalate to having to “clean up horse poop with their hands.”
This boy clearly wants to be close to both parents. He obviously wants the counsel of the father who is very actively involved in the development of the child. The similarity between the job for mother and punishment for those who do not do as the boy wishes clearly indicates a hostility toward the mother. This is reflective of what I wrote about in Self-Imposed Parental Alienation in November of last year. In that I wrote;
The tragedy of self-imposed parental alienation is that the child generally has a healthy parent-child relationship with the targeted parent impeded by the instigating parent, but this also can create an enduring hostility toward that instigator.
Children are not blind to the dynamics of parental conflict. Throughout my years of observing a staggering amount of high conflict cases, often with elements of parental alienation, I have seen the result most often be the child turning against the instigating parent.
For those who would target the other parent in a programme of alienation it is worth considering whether the gain you may achieve from some type of emotional satisfaction derived from the belief that you may be winning the affections of the child is worth damaging the long-term relationship.
For those of you who are the targeted parent this should be able to provide to you some inspiration to parent the best you can, not retaliate, and enjoy a stronger relationship with your child in the future.
Parents who would like to achieve the best outcome for their children in a contested child custody case should visit my website and contact my scheduler to make an appointment to meet with me. Attorneys may request a free consultation to learn how I can maximize their advocacy for their clients.
Connect with me for the latest Indiana child custody related policy considerations, findings, court rulings and discussions. 
Monday, March 10, 2014
Understanding when a child tells you that you are doing wrong by alienating the other parent - Parental Alienation
Friday, March 7, 2014
Why some Non Custodial Parents should be and how not to get help changing that
07 March 2014
To: Stephanie - Stuart Showalter Scheduler [scheduler@stuartshowalter.com]
It is important to note that Mr Swindells was asked to provide his attorney number which he did not. His response relates to being asked by my scheduler to submit an application along with the initial $150 consultation fee. Here is the information for attorneys as it appears on my website. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Make a suggestion for me to write about.
I state it on my business card: Child custody decisions are not about the law, but are judgments based upon parenting skills and behaviours. Get on the path to making yours optimal – now! I suggest that this is done by harmonizing finances, physical and mental health, spirituality, diet and lifestyle which are essential to achieving a better custody decision and parent-child relationship.
Essentially it all begins with attitude and a willingness to accept responsibility.
From the hundreds of requests I get per year seeking my assistance many likely deserve and would benefit from my services but I am limited in my time and therefore have established an application process. I also do these blog postings and public policy advising so as to be able to assist the greatest number of children possible.
Each year though I encounter one of those truly ungrateful, greedy, inconsiderate NCPs who were aptly designated as such and really show their asses to me. It didn't take any spring thaw or sweltering summer sun to finally get this year's best. Consider this email I received in February.
From: Tim Swindells [timswindells@yahoo.com]
Re: Stuart Showalter Child Custody Life Coaching
On February 3, 2014 at 7:51 PM Tim Swindells [timswindells@yahoo.com] wrote:
Dear Stephanie:
So much for truth in advertising on his website as to a "free" initial consultaion. $150.00 is NOT free.
This lie will be posted to all father's, and divorce groups I belong to on Facebook, as well as the individual who referred you'all to me. The public needs to know the truth, plus the fact that it is obvious by your email he is not nationally available in any economical sense. He is simply taking advantage of people's misfortunes just to turn a buck.
T.Swindells
Attorney
ATTORNEYS
As a child custody coach Mr Showalter uses his vast child custody knowledge to help you achieve more favourable results for your client. He will also increase your productivity, reduce your workload and lower costs for your clients. He can help you formulate trial strategy, negotiate settlements, draft documents, conduct research, prepare witnesses,assist your clients in understanding the process and provide opinion testimony about your client.
Through his vast experience he can provide to you knowledge about the temperament, practices and expectations of numerous judges or opposing attorneys. He even goes so far as to advise on what to expect from the other parent based upon his or her religious or cultural background. If an extra set of hands is needed during trial or detailed note taking then you should consider using Mr Showalter for that also.
Recently Mr Showalter provided input to the appellate attorney representing Craig Scarberry, the Anderson Indiana man who lost custody of his children because he changed his religious preference to that of agnostic. In the appeal of that judgment it was Mr Showalter's input that prompted the attorney to file a motion which resulted in the Indiana Court of Appeals issuing a Stay of the judgment. Mr Scarberry's children were then returned to him.
Please contact Mr Showalter directly to schedule a no-fee initial consultation to discuss the services he offers.[emphasis added]
Nowhere do I offer free services to parents. Instead I ask for this.
SUBMIT YOUR APPLICATION NOW
Mr Showalter limits his assistance to only those parents whom he believes he can provide the most effective assistance or whose children are at the greatest risk. He therefore requires that everyone have a referral and complete an application for services prior to deciding if he will provide assistance. Please contact his scheduler if you have additional queries.
CHILD CUSTODY COACHING APPLICATION [PDF]
PRIVACY POLICY [PDF]
Mr Showalter requires that you have a referral to receive services. This can be any attorney, judge, health provider or other practitioner. Referrals are also accepted from your elected representatives.
As you can see from his email, Mr Swindell attempts to defraud me by claiming to be an attorney to get a free explanation of my services. When his ruse fails he unloads with his virulent attack on my character. This is the essence of the types of behaviours that judges pick up on which justify a rational child custody and parenting time order that protects children from being subjected to this type of parent. His bullying behaviour based upon his feeling that he is entitled to free services and that anyone who doesn't conform to his wishes is going to be unjustly maligned by him. That is not the proper course of action to take when seeking the assistance of someone. It's especially unwise to demonstrate this behaviour to a judge or anyone else who has input on a child custody decision.
To those who are truly motivated by seeking the best interest of their children I gladly accept applications. To those who would seek to exploit my services in an effort to bully other parties to the action and inflict emotional harm on children don't bother applying because I am going to have you figured out before you know it.
Parents who would like to achieve the best outcome for their children in a contested child custody case should visit my website and contact my scheduler to make an appointment to meet with me. Attorneys may request a free consultation to learn how I can maximize their advocacy for their clients.
Connect with me for the latest Indiana child custody related policy considerations, findings, court rulings and discussions.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
In His Own Words - Bill Levin: 2014 Candidate for the Indiana House of Representatives
26 February 2014 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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Once in awhile a candidate comes along who appears so outside the norm that you have to ask yourself, is this the approach that is needed for more effective government? Afterall, the majority of Americans agree that government, as is the current norm, is not being responsive to the common people. So when I came across Bill Levin who is a candidate for the Indiana House of Representatives in District 96 I wondered Is this the approach that is needed for more effective government? So I interviewed Bill about his platform, ideology and the impact those would have upon children.
I first wanted to know what lead to Bill's decision to join the race to be a representative in the Indiana House. For him it was lack of effective representation either the Republicans or Democrats. That both put forth legislation intended to satisfy their respective parties but not respect Hoosiers. His platform has three major planks being gun safety, equal rights for all people, and marijuana legalization.
As he explains because we are an agricultural state Hoosiers should have access to the benefits of cannabis. The marijuana plant is useful as a building material, has health benefits including its use as an essential oil, and is a stress reliever. As marijuana use has come into play in numerous child custody battles in which I am involved I seek to find the impact on the child. Show me the harm or benefit. It was interesting that Bill mentioned stress relief and then connected that to abuse of children. His claim that “people who use marijuana don't [physically] abuse their children as much as those who are alcohol and prescription pain killer users” is consistent with my anecdotal evidence. People who are less stressed are less likely to abuse their children.
The opposing point of view claims that marijuana is harmful to children because its use is associated with crime, gangs and is a gateway to more severe forms of drug abuse. It has generally been my observation that the most prolific gateway drug is alcohol. Levin noted that this report by the Obama administration in 2010 dispelled the gateway myth.
FlexForm and Elkhart County based automotive parts manufacturer must import the cannabis that it uses because Indiana law forbids Hoosiers from growing the plants for use here. Thus Indiana lawmakers have ensured that money is flowing out of the state that should be supporting agricultural operations here as Levin would have it.
A bill authored by Senator Richard Young that would allow Indiana farmers to grow industrial hemp crops was heard in the Senate Committee on Agriculture and Natural Resources which voted 7-0 in favor of the bill on Friday. Levin says that it will easily pass through the general assembly and be presented to the Governor Pence who he is confident will sign it into law. However when it comes to legalizing marijuana Governor Pence has taken a strong stance in opposition saying, “I don’t support the legalization of marijuana, and that’s been my position for a long time and will continue to be.” Former Republican state legislator Tom Knollman who had to resign his position because of progressive MS has objected to Pence's stance saying, “The art of being a good public official is being able to listen to both sides of an issue! I served as a Republican as a representative and am very proud of that. When the Governor refuses to look at both sides he loses my vote. I am sure my name is mud in his administration but I tried to always remember I am my brothers keeper!"
HJR3 seemed to capture most of the headlines and attention this year. So I asked Bill where he stands on adding the current statutory scheme defining marriage into the Indiana Constitution. Quite simply his response was, “I think gays should have the same right.” He expanded upon that by explaining that marriage is a contract that is often temporary in nature, If people of the same gender wish to subject themselves to the same contractual situation as those of opposite genders then they should be allowed. If two people regardless of gender want to establish that contractual arrangement then he wishes for them, “all the joy and love in the world.”
I asked about his thoughts on the Second Sentence which would have banned the State from recognizing not marital relationships similar to marriage. After a moment pondering his initial response had me laughing. Upon further explanation it is matters like Second Sentence that reflect what he had earlier described about both parties putting forth legislation intended to satisfy their respective parties but not respect all Hoosiers. He also acknowledged that while supporters of marriage claim that marriage provides stable relationships in which to rear children that they can be fleeting.
The last position I touched upon was gun education and safety. Levin wants it taught in every grade school. He noted that countries and jurisdictions where gun ownership is mandatory have lower crime rates and less gun assaults than the United States overall. One reason I suspect is because gun education is also part of the compulsory gun ownership process. Bill believes that teaching respect for guns and realistically demonstrating their impact can reduce their use in ways that mimic pop culture where the true impact is sanitized. Gun debates are always a hot topic but I think he takes a pragmatic approach to the issue. It's neither in support of gun rights or restrictions on people having guns but acknowledges that guns are part of our culture. They are a way of life. Educating children about guns may be a way to save their lives. It is this pragmatic approach that embodies his philosophy on government.
When it comes to the primary role of government Bill Levin feels it should be to provide “functional gears that make the cities or state work properly.” He wants to do his part in realizing that philosophical goal of government by putting forth bills that are "realistic, that are not party favoured, and are leaning toward benefiting Hoosiers."
People who want to do their part to help get Bill Levin elected to the Indiana General Assembly can do so by checking his Facebook page daily. As with any campaign he also needs supporters to donate to his fund-raising efforts which will help buy advertising. Supporters can go to his Fundrazr page to make a donation on-line. Finally, if you have a group of friends or associates that you feel would support the Bill Levin for House platform then consider hosting a meet 'n' greet with Bill at your home or business. Contact Bill through his Facebook page for details.
Parents who would like to achieve the best outcome for their children in a contested child custody case should visit my website and contact my scheduler to make an appointment to meet with me. Attorneys may request a free consultation to learn how I can maximize their advocacy for their clients.
Connect with me for the latest Indiana child custody related policy considerations, findings, court rulings and discussions.
Sunday, December 22, 2013
A girls night out - Sexism, racism, and other forms of discrimination endured by societal demand
21 December 2013
Yes, this is going to be one of those postings where I again provide an in-your-face view of hot-button issues. First my demographic disclosure: I am male, Caucasian, and heterosexual. I have no plans to change any of those. Typically I don't disclose my sexual preference as I feel that is no one's business but here I feel it may be a relevant feature. Second thing I have to say is that I intend to provide an objective analysis but it will be upon you to determine if it is presented in an objective manner. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Make a suggestion for me to write about.
So a chickie calls me earlier today and says she and her sisters are going out dancing tonight and she wants me to come along. I am always up for a night out with a pack of vixens so 'take me I'm yours' prevails over prior plans. Then I get the call that some of the gals want it to be a “girls' night” and I am now uninvited. Apologies and rationalizations abound but it's unnecessary. Were apologies offered to these two young men in Marion, Indiana before they were lynched?
Let me just jump in with race since I have strong associations with that in my past. It was back in high school that I first became very perceptive of the race game and people's prejudices. Being an activist type person I took a stand opposing racism and sexism and spoke out. I was invited to and attended various meetings of groups to which I apply the blanket term “civil rights organization.” I soon learned that there is no better way to alienate yourself from a room of people than to say that you want to end discrimination against everyone – including white males – not just against their particular demographic group. One sector of the broader civil rights sphere actively courted me. That was the collective “skinheads”. They were very open to someone who advocated for eliminating discriminatory practices against whites. Unfortunately as I got wrapped up in that I lost focus of the broader objective – eliminating government sponsored discrimination. I soon was an advocate of civil rights, but only for my demographic. Sound familiar?
In a magazine article about me the writer interviewed an administrator from my high school who was bewildered by my skinhead activism as I had so many black friends. Always have and still do. In one incident I was out with the skins and the counter server at an establishment was black. One of the skins asked for a white server and the young black man promptly complied. I said to that skin, “You are %$#@!& up. That white dude could be filthy.” But I will always advocate for someone to have the right to chose who serves him or who he associates with regardless of how illogical it may seem to me. Likewise, my party has been the only white guys in a club on 87th Street in Chicago – a predominately black area – where if I wasn't welcomed because of my race I would fully support the proprietors of that private establishment banishing me. There are places like that where you will be let known by inference that you are not welcome.
Whether it is that social setting or an activist organization there is, at best, only an implicit discrimination. The purveyors of this may have a perfectly logical reason for this. Often times foods, music, language, religion and other customs are particular to racial or ethnic cultures. So does it seem logical that there should be an establishment that caters only to them so they can feel completely at ease, almost as being at home – not on display, not a curiosity? Likewise it seems logical that they have organizations that know the subtleties of discrimination against their demographic advocating for non-discrimination policies.
Way back when during my youthful days I got to see the power of using race first hand. When I was in prison I was naturally thrust into the position of leading that institutions loosely assembled Aryan Brotherhood. As a general principle in prisons inmates are not to assemble in groups in the yard. Whenever I was seen in the yard meeting with the hierarchy of another racial group I got yanked in for an interrogation. Racial groups in prison not fighting each other is the security threat. The government wants racial groups to fight each other. This produces demands for the government to take action. This means deny liberty as government cannot provide freedom.
Just as in the racial realm gender politics is based upon maintaining discriminatory practices. While advocates purport to seek an end to discrimination, again, the reality is exactly the opposite. No where have I seen this more clearly expressed than in the area of Domestic Violence. Discriminatory practices are blatant, especially at the government level – The Violence Against Women Act. Of course this is clearly consistent with the principle upon which the United States declared its independence, that all men are created equal. There the term “men” had to be carefully defined though as to avoid including anyone the Founders didn't wish to have similar freedoms bestowed upon as those they declared for themselves.
I have said it before that these gender-based advocates are the most insidious. They actually choose to have have children killed to advance their agenda. The agenda by it's very nature is not to end violence but to increase violence by one demographic while at the same time encouraging, de facto, violence against that demographic.
A common interest among the varying advocates and organizations, be it those associated with race and gender issues, medical research, crime prevention and child wellness is their survival. If the stated objective of any were to be achieved then their purpose for existence would cease to exist. This internal conflict is what leads them to perpetuate rather than solve the problem. It is inconsistent for the subconscious to seek to end that on which it survives.
Contrary to the assertions by the conspiracy theorists I counter that there is no grand plan to perpetuate any of these social or bodily ills. Rather, there is no intrinsic incentive to not do so. That is, there is a great financial payoff for the effort to combat the ill but none once victory is achieved. The victory, in effect, threatens their survival.
Thus, people adapt behaviours that ensure their survival. When men going through child custody battles were overwhelmingly losing based on little more than maternal preference they organized into “men's rights groups” as a way to combat gender discrimination. That new found power and the resulting legal victories led to mother's fighting back with the Domestic Violence claim. The gender stereotyping of that issue intentionally left men without legal recourse while being abused. A law enforcement officer, by inference, told me that when my wife was abusing me to hit her back. My options were leave or defend myself. As another officer said, “No judge in Boone County is going to issue [a DVPO] against a woman.” Logic then tells us that providing only those two options is going to perpetuate violence not reduce it. Perpetuating social ills through demographic based power difference is a basic principle that I have long realized. This is why I have avoided the aforementioned “men's rights groups” as their existence generally promotes discrimination against men. It is my steadfast adherence to gender neutrality that has evoked extreme vitriol by women's groups as well as being shunned by men's groups.
So this brings me back around to the “girls' night out” and how it promotes sexism and racism. The rationalization is that they can be girls without the imposition of a male presence. This is the same rationalization used by female only health clubs. However, straight arrow as I am sexually, I like wearing my clothes designed for women, tending to babies, talking about feelings, having silky smooth shaved legs – that the girls do like – and doing typically girls' activities while avoiding the male culture beer drinking sports scene.
While this “girls' night out” may seem innocuous enough a deeper understanding of the long history of race and gender politics in America reveals the true harm. It explicitly states that discrimination – based on birth traits -- is acceptable, but only because it is rational. That is, it is based upon behaviours common to, but not exclusive to, women or men. People who share traits of both are what Bem called “androgynous.” Recall that earlier I spoke about cultures. In larger cities there has generally existed a China Town section that caters specifically to the needs of the southeast Asian culture. That seems quite rational. It is convenient. It is efficient. Likewise a community of only white American Christians would be convenient and efficient. Everyone would say Merry Christmas in English without concern for offending anyone. Stores would only stock religion specific greeting cards for Christians and have no need to stock hair care products for African-Americans. Grocery stores wouldn't stock ethnic foods. Employers would not have to go through that bothersome and expensive cultural sensitivity training. All language usage would be in English.
If you are thinking that there is a big difference between some women getting together for a night out and a group of people establishing a community based upon race and religion I contend otherwise. There is no drawing a line of distinction between these. The discrimination against me as a man is based upon presumed norms, values or techniques that may seem odd, irrational or even inferior to the prejudiced woman. Those are the same criteria used by xenophobes to discriminate based upon race. Either an action acknowledges the characteristics of a person individually or is based upon an extrinsic trait – gender, age, race – or class membership such as religion.
Everything I heard about why I was uninvited out this evening presupposed me. I was discriminated against solely because of my gender based upon someone's ethnocentric view of me. I was not given the respect of being a person but was instead seen only as a manifestation of a class – men. I have been “out with the girls” numerous times since high school and fit right in. Sometimes so well that I was told that my presence was appreciated more than some other particular female. But tonight there can be no such acknowledgment. I am already judged – judged not good enough.
What this woman may have missed is that her discrimination against me, her prejudice, her rationalization is the exact formula for institutional racism. If she wants to be that way, I have no problem with it. I support her right to be bigoted. I just don't want her or anyone else to deny it. More tragic though it appears that she is going to poison the mind's of her children just because she recently got divorced and the guy she was dating told her today that he wants no further contact with her.
Now back to my original plan of studying “Sociology: Your compass for a new world” so I can be more knowledgeable while pursuing gender-neutral laws and policies for the State of Indiana.
Parents who would like to achieve the best outcome for their children in a contested child custody case should visit my website and contact my scheduler to make an appointment to meet with me. Attorneys may request a free consultation to learn how I can maximize their advocacy for their clients.
Connect with me for the latest Indiana child custody related policy considerations, findings, court rulings and discussions.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Each Day I Die - Finding Wellness in Child Custody Conflict
21 December 2013
The noir film Each Dawn I Die has not a thing to do with this posting but it does nearly match by name and is a good flick so while thinking of it I linked to the synopsis. Now on with Each Day I Die.
In the realm of child custody litigation I try to establish within parents an overarching goal to be the improvement of the parent-child relationships while serving the desires and needs of the child. Relationships. While this can be done acutely in the litigation process the litigation process itself does not accomplish this overarching goal. It is fundamentally a win-lose dichotomy. So here I intend to demonstrate that conflict in child custody litigation does not correlate directly to a breakdown or damage to the parent-child relationship. Nor does it mandate by default a deterioration in the parent-parent relationship. By changing a frame of mind I propose that the “hostilities” or “conflicts” in child custody litigation may be mitigated and viewed as a positive.
So what do I mean by each day I die? At this time of year we are entering the festivals of rebirth, rebirth of the earth, the fauna and flora within. Though not dead in the demise sense these things experiences an annual life-cycle that mimics death. Simply put awakening from sleep is birth and going to sleep is death. Don't let this befuddle you. Somewhere in your culture you already experience this concept. One who may have a spiritual awakening could be 'born again' while a sick pet may be 'put to sleep' or in the correct application 'put to death.' For this I see it as analogous to the seasons and the evolution of flora. Each year trees shed their leaves, fruits fall to the ground, and an innumerable amount a vegetation withers and decays into the ground. The earth is replenished with nutrients, seeds are embedded in the newly produced soil and in the Spring trees bud and those seeds germinate.
During this annual process plants die – trees appear so as they 'sleep' – but are reborn through the flow of sap within and the germination of their seeds. Similarly, each morning thus far – for many more I suspect – I awaken while at some point later in the day or night I go to sleep. The time in between is when I live. When I experience a life cycle. I begin my day with growth – stretch, exercise and eat well. This is my primer to efficiency and accomplishment. I assess my responsibilities for the day and undertake the actions necessary to achieve progress. I said achieve progress, not achieve the task. I keep in mind that tomorrow does not exist for what can be done today. If I can compliment or thank someone today then that opportunity does not exist tomorrow. I get what needs to be done in this 'lifetime' done in this 'lifetime' because life will soon end. Before I go to sleep I shed all the baggage from that day. No project is left unfulfilled. No person is left hanging. The thoughts that consume my active day quit flowing. I meditate and practice mindfulness. I am mindful that I have lived that day and made a contribution but that as with all things it has come to an end. In short each day I live a full life that has a beginning and an end.
Keep thinking throughout your day that today is the last day of my life, let me live it therefore by making it as meaningful as possible, being of benefit to others, etc. Don't view this as a contradiction – making right for your end without a future. There is a residual effect of our prior lives on our rebirth. Much like the cults teaching that your current life portends a future life contingent upon a judgment of fulfillment of certain mandates. In our daily lives every action of body, speech and mind that we create lays down a subtle imprint in our mind which has the potential to ripen as future happiness or suffering, depending on whether the action was positive or negative. These imprints remain in the mind until they ripen or until they are purified or cleansed by spiritual practices. This produces the potentiality of the new life. Like our genetic code we are not harkened into existence upon a blank slate. Instead we are endowed with tendencies which we may follow, intuitively. That is our essence.
Now that you know the objective is to live a full life each day in preparation for the new life tomorrow you may want to know “How will this impact my child custody case?” Keep in mind that I said the goal is “improvement of the parent-child relationships.” You may already have an idea of what you think should be done. You may be thinking of what hasn't worked. You may be thinking that it is time to start reading my point-by-point plan for getting to your goal. Slow down a moment – you have the entire day! You can invest a few extra minutes to listen to me ramble on for something that will benefit you for the rest of your lives – all those days that you live a full life.
I'll be candid with you here. I am being verbose because I want for you to be invested in this. You have read this far so at this point you may as well go to the end or you will have wasted past time dedicated to reading this. Onward we march.
I am not going to give you specific actions to take into the court room. I am not even going to connect what I have to say to your child custody case. Likewise I am not about to apologize for dragging you along this far without delivering the goods. I am not going to try to bait and switch you into hiring me to provide specifics because I don't even have time for a new client.[1] Instead I am going to tell you why it is important to die each day and the effect that will have on your child custody case.
When you die each day, each day is a new life. What happened yesterday does not exist. Tomorrow does not exist. You then have the freedom to live in the moment. I'll present an example.
It's a beautiful day. Your child wants to be outside doing something fun and you know it. You want to provide that opportunity, especially considering the frequency with which you and your child can be together. You decide to go to one of those big water parks a ways off. But . . . . you've had some trouble with the car lately. You suspect that the starter is going out. As old as it is you are sure as soon as you replace that, something else is going to go. It's a money sucking black hole and you don't have the bucks to buy a new one and your credit is shot after all the unpaid bills during the divorce while you and the former spouse paid more to argue over them than it would have cost to just pay them off. So . . . you don't go. That is not living life today.
Living life today is finding that you were born with a car and using it. If it breaks down so what. Now you go hiking instead of swimming. So take shoes in addition to flip-flops. Treat that car as if it has never done you wrong and has no plans to do so in the future. Don't take this as freedom from planning or responsibility. Quite to the contrary it demands planning or responsibility. In the current scheme of our expected 75 or so year life we have and will continue to face challenges along the way. That is life. What I advocate is not to focus on and prepare for certain challenges but instead to imbue your future daily lives with the imprint of preparedness. The past is not known, the future is not predicted, but every challenge has the potential to be met.
Have you picked up on where this is going? When you wake up tomorrow to a new life you will have a child who hasn't been a bad child, who hasn't been the source of your frustration, and who hasn't brought great joy to you because that child has not been a part of this life that day. You will have a child that has a clean slate that you can serve that day. I am going to set apart the next sentence for clarity.
That child has a another parent.
This is where I kick you in the gut. When you wake up tomorrow to a new life you will have a parenting partner who hasn't been a bad parent, who hasn't been the source of your frustration, and who hasn't brought great joy to you because that partner has not been a part of this life that day. You will have a partner that has a clean slate that you can serve that day.
Don't discount that the other parent is your partner. Nothing has yet to happen so treat that parent as your partner. If there is parental alienation, high conflict, or hostile aggressive parenting that day then respond in a loving-caring manner. A manner that demonstrates the loving-caring attitude that you have for your child. Not for the sake of the other parent but from the perspective that allowing the other parent to be a better parent is showing loving-caring for your child.
You know what your current instinct when attacked or disrespected is going to be. But don't do that. Respond rationally. Be empathetic. Ask yourself first “How would I have viewed my actions?” and “How could I have responded? Then ask yourself “How could I have negatively viewed my actions?” and “How could I have negatively responded? This can help you to understand why you are being attacked. It will form the basis of your response. Agreeing to selective underlying objections can reduce hostility and promote cooperation.
When the children are returned a half hour late an email like this may be awaiting your arrival at home:
You are a @#$%!&# loser. I hope you know that when your always trying to mess up my plans you are really messing up theres. If you really cared about them as much as you say you do then you would start showing it. Next time you pull this $#!@ I am going to file contempt.
If you noticed the spelling/grammatical errors then kudos to you. Those are there because that is what people do when they boil over. They are reacting from the primal part of the brain – defending against a perceived attack – instead of from the reasoning frontal cortex. Your response could be something like this:
I understand how you could view my tardiness as being intentional. I don't want to cause you stress or make it difficult for you to get the children to bed on time. Unfortunately there was an issue with my car and the children's grandparents came to pick us up and then they wanted to take us to dinner. You know how they get to talking and eating so slow. I apologize for not calling. It would have been more responsibly appropriate for me to call and give you the opportunity to come pick them up.
That may totally catch him or her off guard. It may not win you any points but so what. If you have ever had a boss or coworker who gets on a rant looking for an argument and you keep agreeing, do you notice how that rant eventually runs out of steam? If it bothers you that your kind overture isn't reciprocated then go meditate on that. You can then sleep easy because tomorrow you will have a new life and the life in which you returned the children late no longer exists. Ha! You are off the hook.
Whether that other parent responds positively to your goodwill overtures does not foreclose an improvement in your parent-child relationship. Any effort is better than continuing the ongoing conflict that you know is harmful to the children.
As a person who dies each day and then is reborn the following day you are going to be uplifted by the benefits of the detachment from the experiences that inhibit most people from experiencing forward progression in their relationships. The challenges of a child custody conflict can give you the opportunity to experience the benefits of dying each day. A critical self-examination likely reveals that you are holding onto past hurts and transgressions from your marriage that reveal themselves as painful or hostile feelings when that other parent engages in a particular act. When you view that same act without being primed by the past – as though it was done by a stranger – then the feelings evoked by that act are less likely to be painful or produce hostility. Applying this throughout your everyday life will provide to you an ease by which to approach your usual activities and interactions which becomes self-fulfilling.
It is said that the mark of a spiritual practitioner is to have no regrets at the time of death. If your mind is calm and peaceful and imbued with positive thoughts at the time of death tonight, this will augur well for a happy rebirth tomorrow.
[fn1] If you do want assistance please do apply. The more people I have on my waiting list the more selective I can be about whom I can provide the greatest benefit. I am always available for emergencies where the immediate welfare or custody of a child is in jeopardy.
If you would like assistance improving your relationships around a child custody matter then please visit my website and contact my scheduler to make an appointment to meet with me. There is no charge for initial attorney consultations.
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©2008, 2013 Stuart Showalter, LLC. Permission is granted to all non-commercial entities to reproduce this article in it's entirety with credit given.
Friday, November 22, 2013
A Healthy perspective on Health Care
22 November 2013 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Make a suggestion for me to write about.
Medical services are divided into three categories: trauma care, sick care and health maintenance. In the field of debate over this issue most people have been guided into the fallacious belief that there exist three options for health care: buy health care insurance, pay cash, or go without needed treatment.
This is precisely the mindset that has increased the reliance upon and supposed need for medical services interventions. That is, the human brain engages itself in a guided imagery – what it believes to be true is that to which it will attempt to conform itself. This is how placebos are effective. Cognitive dissonance on the other hand is the uncomfortable state experienced by the mind when a statement conflicts with a reality. Essentially this is the weight of consciousness seeking redemption for a lie. The danger in cognitive dissonance is how it functions in the subconscious.
A healthy individual who purchases health insurance coverage but does not use the medical services will likely experience cognitive dissonance. “I bought the insurance because I need. I have not been injured. Thus, I must have an ailment.” An argument can be made that the purchaser is receiving the benefit of the peace of mind of being insured. But most people do not view insurance in that abstract sense. Rather it is viewed as covering a forthcoming need.
This is illustrated by a friend of mine who was recently in a slight collision with another vehicle that dinged a door. I suggested that they not file a claim but settle it in a cash transaction. She objected saying, “I paid for the insurance, I am going to use it!” In a much broader example I use the Social Security Insurance program. This insurance program was established to provide living expense payments to people who outlived their life expectancy and had depleted their retirement savings. Yet ask anyone buying this insurance if they plan to collect on it and you will likely find the answer to be yes. This is because people who pay for insurance do so with the intention of collecting on it.
Thus a person who says “I am healthy” or “I live a healthful lifestyle” is likely to experience cognitive dissonance when paying for the sick care insurance coverage. This is because there is only three ways to spend money on health care - injury, illness or prevention. But as we all know prevention is very cheap – much less than the premiums. Thus to alleviate the dissonance – the conflict between wanting to be healthy and spending the insurers' money on medical interventions – a person who pays for health insurance coverage must become ill or injured.
When this is coupled with directed thought it is clear that the best health care coverage is not to have health insurance coverage. We are all where we are in life based upon decisions made. Every cell in our body is a thinking organism that attempts to organize itself to comport with its' thinking. This is the basis of spontaneous remission, prayer healing and meditative well-being. Those who want to be healthy can be. Believers who trust that their creator was a perfect entity that endowed their bodies with the ability to defend against ailments, heal itself and propagate its own wellness have attained well-being.
This has been demonstrated through the correlation between health insurance coverage and medical interventions. Those who are covered use medical services at a rate significantly higher than those who are not covered. Lack of coverage often leads to more healthy outcomes.
Those who wish to fumble around a non-functioning website may do so. Those who wish to endure the uncertainty and anxiety associated with having a policy canceled may do so. Those who wish to perpetuate their ailments by being stressed over these situations may do so. As for me I have chosen real health care.
As an adult I have always had an affordable, effective and comprehensive health plan. That is, first and foremost, I believe that I am responsible for my well-being. I engage in what I believe is a near sufficient amount of exercise, I eat real food, I live morally, and I maintain an attitude that I am healthy.
Parents who would like to achieve the best outcome for their children in a contested child custody case should visit my website and contact my scheduler to make an appointment to meet with me. Attorneys may request a free consultation to learn how I can maximize their advocacy for their clients.
Connect with me for the latest Indiana child custody related policy considerations, findings, court rulings and discussions.
