As I listened to a recent lecture the professor mentioned “but, of course, not every moment of that is going to be enjoyable.” I was immediately struck by that caveat, especially the emphasis that the presumed displeasure seemed to be a natural consequence. He was referring to infant rearing. The conflict that I felt with that life script or schema for child rearing underpins the essence of cognitive behaviour therapy [CBT] – reality is only what the brain perceives it to be. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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At another time I will write about how every moment of rearing my son was pleasurable. In today's posting I am instead going to articulate the primary foundation that I provide to clients receiving CBT. While much of what I provide here is still discussed during individual therapy, understanding the cognitive process is substantial and better achieved with advanced knowledge of general principles.
Whether the symptom is child custody or relationship conflict, financial disorder, employment dissatisfaction, mood disorder, body shape problems, or other wellness issues the basis lies in cognition. It is the manner in which we perceive the world that affects our actions and it is those deliberate, yet often reflexive or habitual, acts which account for these outcomes.
Our perceptions are based upon the emotional attachment given to memories. This is a point of particular importance. Emotional attachment is a significant driving force.
The societal scripts that are inculcated by our brains have the greatest staying power when attached to an emotion. The purveyors of these scripts do so to maintain order, regulate group dynamics, and best serve their interest or that of those advocating them.
So let's jump right into this with statutory law and prison. We are told that laws exist to maintain order, preserve the peace, facilitate cooperation, and provide for the common welfare of the community. While we are encouraged to abide the laws our motivation to do so is based upon fear. The fear of prison, stigma, loss of employment, loss of physical freedom, and loss of connections to loved ones is perpetuated through culture.
This lever of compliance breaks down when the perceived reward exceeds the perceived consequence. Or . . . when the perceived consequence is diminished.
Fix in your mind your impression of prison life. Do you imagine fighting, cramped miserable conditions, incessant noise, horrible food, abusive guards, and a general threat to your health and safety? What about your family connections?
Now I want for you to jump to the opposite end of the spectrum. Imagine that you are living in a gated community with a diverse population. There are sporting facilities, cafeteria, health clinic, library, and other amenities all within a brief walk. Unemployment is zero, the grounds crew keeps the community clean, and maintenance crews quickly tend to any issues in your home. Residents of this community extend their life expectancy while living there as compared to those outside the community. In the evening you may sit by the ball court, sipping on tea or lemonade while watching others stroll the pathways or workout while the sun sets. The neighborhood health clinic doesn't require appointments, often provides same-day service and dispenses its own meds. The kicker of it all is there is no charge – housing, food, healthcare, recreation, entertainment, and even clothing. It's free.
Thus, whether prison is good or bad is dependent upon perception. If it is viewed from the perspective of deprivation – what one has to give up – then it may be perceived as adverse. However, if one changes cognition to see what is obtained then the perception becomes that the experience is positive.
Here is how this plays out. The deprivation view is that incarceration is a loss of freedom. Additionally, a common view from some people is that prison is a dangerous environment where safety is lost. I see these people as a paradox. They may lock themselves in cars, in their homes, or in office buildings. Their housing community, apartment building, or workplace may have guards posted or patrolling. It seems as though they perceive their environment as being unsafe and under constant threat. The beneficial view is that prison is a respite from the responsibilities of living in that larger, dangerous society which is prohibited from bringing its problems into the inmate community. Prison, after all, is the ultimate gated-community with around-the-clock armed guards patrolling the perimeter and guards posted at the entrances or roaming throughout the housing units prepared to respond at a moments notice to any threat against a resident.
Those on the outside may see that one in prison is deprived of preparing whatever he wants to eat. On the inside I was given the privilege of being able to go to the diner with friends three times a day and have our meals served to us at no charge.
How horrible it must be to be in prison deprived of the opportunity of trying to select and pay for a healthcare plan, schedule an appointment with an in-network provider, obtain a necessary referral, get time off work for treatment, then go pick up a prescription. In prison I was stuck with walking to the hospital, being seen that day, receiving evaluation or treatment, taking hold of any prescription, and then heading off to work. Entirely without payment, employment consequence, or limitation. It was my Constitutional right.
As you may not plan to engage in an intrusion into the domain of a financial superior, such as manufacturing, transporting, or delivering drugs outside of the pharmaceutical protocol, then prison may not be on your horizon. For you I will provide some other example to illustrate this premise – that you only experience what you perceive.
You don't give up doughnuts, french fries, and hot dogs. Instead give yourself an opportunity to truly taste delicious foods, feel more elated, and savor succulent flavours more often.
You don't give up having the ability to see your child on a daily basis. Instead, you give yourself one evening a week dedicated solely to your child. You give yourself time during the week to take care of the mundane chores of living and make alternating weekends special times where your child gets your full attention.
Your spousal figure doesn't argue with you to keep you from getting your way. Rather, he or she cares enough about you to use his or her time and effort to convince you to adopt an alternate position.
Here is why I congratulate people when they get fired from their jobs. You don't get fired from a job and lose your income. Instead, you appreciate that someone made an assessment of your satisfaction with the job, determined that you would be happier elsewhere, and you took advantage of the push to change. Also, you appreciate the fortitude that you exhibited by building some savings and reducing obligations which allowed you to take a hiatus from working which builds your esteem.
These few examples are not intended to be extrapolations from a how-to list of negative thoughts changed to positive ones. If it was that simple then therapy, which is guided exploration, would be unnecessary. These examples are the outcomes.
The path to these outcomes lies in determining the emotional attachment given to the stimulus and if those are objectively valid. That is, are the feelings you have given to a merit-based job termination a universal consequence of a firing.
I used to eat doughnuts. I enjoyed eating doughnuts. The aroma alone could elevate my mood. There is a doughnut shop within view of my house. Sometimes I experience a fleeting thought that I should get a doughnut. It comes from deep within my mind based on long past experiences.
Going to the doughnut shop when I was young and getting to select my portion of the dozen meant that I was spending time with my father. It was during the weekend when he would set aside some time for this activity with my sister and I. It even continued into my adolescence on Sundays after I completed my newspaper delivery.
I don't recall much from my childhood but I know he was there for dinner most nights but that it didn't necessarily correlate to being home for the evening. We had our weekend morning but the rest of the time could be dedicated to working around the house or going back to the office. I estimate that time at the office accounted for about 60 hours in a typical week.
Thus, doughnut mornings where significant to me and I formed a strong emotional attachment to doughnuts and subsequently the feelings experienced while eating them.
While improving my wellness doughnuts clearly had to go. It took recognizing that emotional attachment to do it. I yearned for a meaningful father-son relationship. Even into my early 40's I wasn't able to actively listen to the song Cats in the Cradle without crying.
Objectively I assessed the doughnut eating experience. It was a blast of sugar tinted by flavours that nearly obscured a somewhat metallic taste which provided brief exuberance. This was followed by a depressed state that wasn't sadness but more akin to just blah. I think that is the technical term. The “Blahs” may be mentioned in the ISDM-IV. Then there was the lethargic feeling as that artificially flavoured sugary lump of dough traversed my colon having stimulated neurotransmitters and my immune system.
I also made the realization that the father-son relationship I had was what it was and eating doughnuts wasn't going to change it. My father valued his employment. He cherished the “Vice-President” title, the corner office and, I suspect, the attention of the employees with greater appreciation for that of the females.
I had an option of trying to build a meaningful father-son relationship well into my adult life or seeking solace elsewhere. I don't even like it that a so-called food was the basis of a father-son relationship. I opted for satisfaction in a strong father-son relationship. It was through a position flip though. I am the father in my exceedingly gratifying father-son relationship which doesn't include doughnuts. A Chinese buffet may be in there though. On a good day it could still include me yanking on the connective tissue in a crab claw to pinch my son's face or nearly poke out an eye as he struggles to evade the Crustacean attack.
The scripts that have molded our lens of consciousness can be modified. We are not automatons destined to follow a particular course or view the world in a particularly skewed manner. Our reality is what we perceive it to be. When properly guided we are able to see all situations objectively, without the interference of emotion, and in a manner that facilitates a positive outcome.
Whether you have seen the glass half full or half empty becomes irrelevant once you master perception and are able to see what I see – that I have a pitcher and ready access to the tap.
Parents who would like to achieve the best outcome for their children in a contested child custody case should visit my website and contact my scheduler to make an appointment to meet with me. Attorneys may request a free consultation to learn how I can maximize their advocacy for their clients.
Connect with me for the latest Indiana child custody related policy considerations, findings, court rulings and discussions. 
Monday, September 11, 2017
Turning Negatives Into Positives Through Cognitive Modification
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
Preparation, Experts, Trial Procedure and Risking your Parent-Child Relationship in a Custody Hearing
This past weekend as I took a respite from outdoor activities while the temperature plunged toward the freezing mark I watched the movie The Judge which I had received a day prior. A scene in this movie stimulated my thoughts as to the potential negative repercussions of not preparing one's self and becoming informed before advancing a position. Particularly as I have seen it played out in child custody cases. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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The movie centers upon a sitting judge [Robert Duvall] who, apparently unbeknownst to him, strikes a cyclist with his vehicle while driving home one rainy evening. When he is discovered as the perpetrator of the homicide he is charged with a criminal offense. He is released from custody and soon appears for a preliminary hearing in which it is determined that there exists probable cause for the charge and the matter is set for trial. At the conclusion of the hearing the judge states that, "The Court finds probable cause to hold this over for trial. Jury selection will begin one week from today." I resisted the urge to remove the disc and toss it in the trash. I suppose I can look upon it the same way as one simultaneously hears and sees the explosion of the Death Star in Star Wars which itself has two problems[fn1]. Still, it is a huge blunder to see trial procedure so grossly misrepresented.
Before I analyze trial procedure let me inject this information. Screenwriters or movie producers often gather background information for a movie by observing real-life scenarios related to the subject of the movie or they hire an expert to advise on the subject. In a movie about a surgeon a former surgeon may be hired to advise on the medical procedures as well as names of the implements, design of the operating room and who would likely be in the operating room during the procedure. This gives the movie authenticity because it accurately portrays what which would occur had the fictionalized account been actual.
An objective in movie producing is to draw the viewer into the film. Ultimately, it is to relieve the viewer from consciously knowing 'I am viewing a movie' to that of a casual observer. This is why some directors choose to not have opening credits or may delay them until minutes into the movie. The films in which a viewer has a visceral response have achieved bringing the viewer to a participant level.
In viewing a movie about a fictionalized murder trial I rely upon my experiences of attending trials to weigh the accuracy of the movie. I have attended three murder trials of people I know but will use a felony trial of mine for analysis as I am more familiar with the time-line there.
Nearly immediately following arrest was the bail hearing. That was followed by the arraignment which included an opportunity for a preliminary hearing: a hearing to determine whether there was enough evidence to require a trial. This is often waived as was by me. Please, take me to trial. A trial date was set which was about four months out. Prior to that an omnibus hearing[fn2] was set.
We were given deadlines by which our requests for discovery, exchange of witness and exhibit lists, and pretrial motions must be made. I filed a motion in limine[fn3] which did not require a hearing.
As I had demanded a jury trial the court summoned a jury pool by sending notices to potential jurors about a month in advance of the trial. The list was provided to the prosecutor and me a week before trial so we could initiate any background investigations we wished to do.
As the trial week approached I publicly distributed notices inviting the populace to attend my trial in which corruption by the prosecutor and judge[fn4] would be exposed. When the prosecutor got a copy he gave it to the judge who immediately canceled the trial and rescheduled it to eight months out.
In the intervening time the prosecutor filed a motion for a hearing on the evidence as I had 33 witnesses and 600 documentary exhibits. That hearing lasted eight hours which resulted in some of my exhibits being reduced to summaries as they were similar. This would keep the jurors from having to read all 600 exhibits. This hearing also served as another omnibus hearing. It was determined that due to the number of witnesses and issues presented that the trial would likely last between three and five days. A fourth trial date was then scheduled to accommodate the anticipated length of the trial.
Two years after my arrest the then current prosecutor[fn5] on the case filed a Motion to Dismiss which the judge granted without hearing. I countered with a Motion to Reinstate in which I alleged that the prosecutor's motion was structurally deficient, did not comport to the Indiana Rules of Criminal Procedure, should be denied in its entirety, and that the charge should be reinstated and a jury trial date set. My motion was denied.
My case is an aberration due to some complexities that do not occur in most trials. However, murder trials often follow a similar chronology including the omnibus hearing, pretrial hearings, motion deadlines, and jury notification. A jury trial in a murder case does not occur a week following an arraignment. Not in Indiana for sure. I have participated in trials in about 20 counties and never have I encountered a court that could schedule a murder trial within two months of an arraignment. The screenwriter missed it big time in this movie.
This brought to my mind the nuances of child custody cases. As I repeatedly state -- which is on my business card -- "Child custody decisions are not about the law, but are judgments based upon parenting skills and behaviours." Parents are being judged on their whole as a person.
If this screenwriter had been involved in the custody case of a child who has a learning disability and would best be served by one-on-one education by a parent he could easily become the non-custodial parent.
I will use an example where the mother works full-time outside the home, father presents no adverse parenting qualities, and father is a screenwriter at home. Based upon these few criteria it seems that this man would best serve the child's needs. But, instead of a movie about the trial of a judge who caused the death of a man riding a bicycle, let's have him present a movie in which he portrays himself as the parent best suited to provide the intensive home schooling that could best serve his child. In his movie when it comes to the subject of education he portrays a scenario of him setting up how he could educate his child.
The pre-adolescent child has already been identified as having ADHD and a emotional developmental disability. Additionally, the child has been problematic and failing in school. The father's movie shows him preparing a den as a school room. It has a desk for the child, a stool for himself, a small chalkboard, a bookshelf with textbooks, and a daily schedule posted on the wall. Actors then portray father's education of the child. The child immediately starts fidgeting while seated at the desk and gets up a few minutes later much as has been described in reports by the school. The father is then shown wrapping duct tape around the child's ankles and the desk's legs and then chiding the child for getting behind schedule. Instructing the child then resumes and at the end of the day the child is shown demonstrating his newly learned knowledge and being congratulated by the father.
Anyone familiar with educating children who have these types of conditions can see the problem with father's movie which is so absurd that it even goes against the common sense of the layman. The message to the judge is that father didn't do his homework.
Mother then testifies that she has a room with a couch, bean bag chair, and a cushioned bench which the child may choose to use. She also scheduled a professional screening for language development of the child. Her curriculum schedule gives broad objectives for the day or week rather than hourly as father had done.
So what are the consequences of these opposing approaches by the parents in the mind of the judge as it comes to bias? It would be similar to that which I experienced about the screenwriter of The Judge. He doesn't know his subject nor what should be obvious to the layperson. Apparently, he was too lazy to briefly research the subject. Or it could be that he was too cheap to hire an expert adviser. But, maybe he isn't lazy or cheap but lacks the competence to identify the need for research or advice. If this guy makes such a blatant error early on then I am going to view anything he puts forth following that as being dubious or unreliable?
As for mother she is seen as being prepared, adaptable and willing to accommodate the child's expected fluctuations in mood. Psychologically the underlying bias becomes that she cares for the child and will find a way to modify her schedule to meet the child's needs. Thus, although her time is more limited she would be best suited to educate the child and may ultimately be designated as the custodial parent.
In the ensuing custody hearing there may have been presented evidence that mother had been abusive in some way, she had no college education, and she had been previously treated for a mental disorder. Father presented his list of educational certifications, prior employment accolades, and numerous witnesses recounting pleasing experiences between he and the child including participating in events at the child's school. This may all be for naught if the judge has already developed a bias the father is naive or too rigid in his thinking for the child.
The overall message I want to convey today is that when preparing for a child custody hearing that it is more important to focus on what you don't know rather than what you do know. Child custody decisions are more prospective than reflective. That is, a judge is placed in the position of deciding who is more likely to be most beneficial to the child in the future rather than reflecting what has been done in the past.
In and of itself the mistake of saying in a movie that a murder trial will commence with jury selection a week after the arraignment may seem like an innocuous oversight. However, such a fault early on in a child custody proceeding though can have dire consequences. It is important to be able to identify what you need to know and when to do your research or consult with the experts.
When it comes to the movie The Judge I don't see the screenwriter as being invested in his story. Don't let a judge see you as not being invested in your child just because you make one technical blunder.
notes
1] Sound travels through room temperature dry air at a speed of 343 meters per second while light travels at a speed of around 300,000,000 meters per second. The difference in these stimulus reaching us is easily perceived at any distance greater than 100 meters. The second problem is that unlike light, sound waves must travel through a medium that impacts the ear drum. The vacuum of space does not contain a medium that can transmit sound.
2] An omnibus hearing is a pretrial hearing. It is usually soon after a defendant's arraignment. The main purpose of the hearing is to determine the evidence and the course of the trial The prosecutor and the defendant attend the hearing to discuss pretrial matters pertaining to the case. This may include setting a time table for discovery and exchange of witness and exhibit lists.
3] A motion in limine is a motion filed by a party to a trial which asks the court for an order or ruling limiting or preventing certain evidence from being presented by the other side at the trial of the case. Generally, this motion is filed in advance of the trial, but a motion may be entertained by the court during a trial, before the evidence in question is offered. The purpose of this motion is to prevent the interjection of matters which are irrelevant, inadmissible or prejudicial.
4] Justice Steve David of the Indiana Supreme Court who sat as judge of the Boone Superior Court for this case.
5] My case was considered a hot potato which was prosecuted initially by a deputy prosecutor and then the elected prosecutor in Boone County, then a special prosecutor from Clinton County was assigned who withdrew after the hearing on the evidence and then it was assigned to the elected prosecutor in Hendricks County who filed the motion to dismiss.
Parents who would like to achieve the best outcome for their children in a contested child custody case should visit my website and contact my scheduler to make an appointment to meet with me. Attorneys may request a free consultation to learn how I can maximize their advocacy for their clients.
Connect with me for the latest Indiana child custody related policy considerations, findings, court rulings and discussions.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
25 Years ago today I Died
25 years ago today I and one of the members of the US National Ice Skating Team embarked upon a 100 mile ride around Marion County. It was at about this moment that day when I passed through the intersection of Indian Lake Road at Sunnyside on the far Northeast side of Indianapolis. More accurately I rode into the intersection when I was promptly struck by a truck traveling at about 40 miles per hour. The grill to the truck was collapsed, the hood crinkled, the windshield knocked in and the top of the cab crushed. All effects of my body hugging the vehicle and coming to a halt on the camper shell on the back.
The subconscious brain does not process negative actions. Take for instance the trees and utility poles along highways that are mangled from being struck by motor vehicles although wide swaths of open ground exist between them with no tire tracks. This is because the drivers usually look and the obstruction while thinking “I don't want to hit that tree/pole”. But the subconscious produces positive actions – “hit that tree/pole” – because that is what it heard in the moment of panic. It takes the conscious mind to implant the negative actions. Most often though these are negative thoughts about “can't do” actions. To achieve success re-frame your thoughts as I have done. Think always of what you want to achieve, choose the positive option. Seek equanimity. If your car veers off the roadway think “I want to go into that open space” rather than “I don't want to hit that tree” and you are more likely to get what you want. Success can and will be yours if you know how to grab it. If you are feeling overwhelmed by life's “negative” results then maybe it is time for the old you to die and give rise to a new, more positive you. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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The effects on my body were equally crushing. A shattered left tibula, broken fibula, a back filled with shards of glass[plus some in my ear canal], lacerations across my scalp, a deep gash across my buttocks, and bruising throughout. I was confined to an intensive care hospital bed for 10 days before surgery could be performed on my leg. It would be another week before I was released from the hospital.
I have little recollection of those 17 days or the time prior to the impact. I can recall my best friend being there at midnight when I awoke. She had remained by my side throughout the evening waiting to tell me goodbye. She had a flight booked earlier that day to her new home but she stayed behind to see if I would live. I am told that the doctors said that if I had not been an elite athlete that the impact would have killed me. If I lived through the night then I was expected to survive. But alas, I did live through the night and still survive to this day. Thus, I was alive but the critical question is – Did I live?
The person who left the hospital that mid-June was not the same person who entered the hospital 2 ½ weeks earlier. For a dozen years it had been my sole aim in life to become a professional cyclist and participate in the major world tours. The continuation of the journey to that ultimate goal was snapped away in an instant. Over the next few months as I hobbled around on crutches and endured never ending pain I began to idealize suicide. Wearing a sock on that leg felt like the flesh was been burned. If I kept my leg bent I felt pain. If I stood I felt pain. If I laid down I felt pain. The pain gradually subsided until about five years ago when it had virtually been eliminated.
While still on crutches my town-home was raided by a street gang commonly known as the Indianapolis Police Department. I had my crutches yanked from me, was knocked to the floor, threatened with guns pointed at my face, and had my home torn apart for three hours by cops “doing a sweep to secure the residence” or as I call it retaliation for holding a protest at the city-county building over the attempted murder of Fred Sanders by this gang. Ultimately, two cops would testify to finding an item of contraband in three locations, simultaneously. So my sell-out attorney tells me that I am facing 20 years in prison, the amount of time I had been alive. Thus, I took the plea. In reality I was facing a maximum of 31 months but sometimes attorneys lie.
As the end of my parole term approached in December 1993 I married the sister of a high school friend of mine. I knew that being married and raising children would give me new purpose in life; something for which to live; something to keep me out of trouble. Just three years later the world was bestowed with the gift of my son. After three more years his mother left us to fend for ourselves which we did admirably. Fortunately she came to embrace her parental responsibilities before he was too old to experience significant feelings of abandonment. Although I nearly solely nurtured and provided for our son during that two year period, being that I was male Justice Steve David decided that I would be reduced to a visitor in the life of my son with no legal say in his upbringing. Instead my resolve to be actively involved in my son's daily life was still fulfilled by me.
As a consequence of the divorce I was left without a home, my businesses liquidated, no assets, and saddled with various debts. Having not been an employee, having my businesses gone, and being a convicted felon presented some challenges to earning. But I reverted back to what I had done in the past – mow lawns, paint houses, and do various day labour jobs. At the same time I would study matters of child custody.
It was the study of and dedication to changing the way child custody decisions are made that has led me to where I am today. Of course it was more than that also. It was the traits which are not taught in school, that children are not encouraged to develop, that society does not condone. It was in a sense that I am God. That I can and will do anything that I want.
Though in a sense I died 25 years ago today, I was sent to prison, I was bankrupted by a divorce, and my son was taken from me but I was resurrected and am now someone who has achieved great success. This was not through blind luck but rather through a determination for self-determination while understanding the positive manner in which the brain functions.
EDIT: It has been suggested that I point out that if you have read this and haven't come to the conclusion that your current state of upheaval is not an abyss from which you cannot surface then re-read it.
Parents who would like to achieve the best outcome for their children in a contested child custody case should visit my website and contact my scheduler to make an appointment to meet with me. Attorneys may request a free consultation to learn how I can maximize their advocacy for their clients.
Connect with me for the latest Indiana child custody related policy considerations, findings, court rulings and discussions.
