You read that correctly and very likely you may be a parent who is encouraging your child to be sexually abused without even realizing it. Child sexual abuse is estimated to affect 1 in 4 females and 1 in 6 males prior to the age of 18. Often it is the result of the unintended consequence of circumstances created by parents and reinforced by society at large. The proliferation of child sexual abuse is the real Inconvenient Truth that our society does not like to admit and maintains as a taboo. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Throughout this year I will be presenting to you multiple postings regarding different aspects of child sexual abuse. I am not going to be subtle about these messages. I am not assessing blame or trying to label anyone as a negligent parent. Instead I am seeking only to expose common behaviours that contribute to the sexual abuse of children and provide guidance on how to protect your children.
In this first posting I will be attacking the use of euphemisms for sexual activities and body parts. I am not going to go through the parade of absurd labels for a penis or a vagina. Many of these are well-known while some are exclusive to a particular parent and child set.
I have had children self-report sexual abuse to me. Sometimes children are very blunt in their reports but most often they exhibit trepidation and test the adult's openness to receiving the report. Few make an outright spontaneous report of all the details. This is why it may take multiple attempts and result in conflicts in the reporting. The adult receiving the report must be appropriately responsive to the child's reporting methodology or the child will regress in the reporting process. It is this type of sporadic rather than chronological reporting that results in some untrained judges failing to acknowledge or confirm the abuse. The consequences can be that a child is placed with an abuser because the practitioners and judge thought it was a custody ploy.
As a general proposition we have placed the onus of preventing child sexual abuse on the children – “just say no”, good touch, bad touch and etc. I contend that such efforts are doomed when coupled with the practices of parents. I believe that parents have a mandate to prevent sexual abuse of their children and that it only happens when parents allow it to happen.
If a child came to you and said that “The babysitter put a magic wand in my treasure box” what would your response be? If a child came to you and said that “The babysitter put a vibrator in my vagina” what would your response be? It should be the same; an immediate contact with a parent and possibly a report to law enforcement. But that is not the reality. In the first instance an adult may reply, “Well that was nice of her” – conditioning the child that sexual abuse is an acceptable and “nice” behaviour. This is directly the result of a parent or guardian failing to properly educate the child about his or her anatomy. Males have a penis, females have a vagina.
From the perspective of the perpetrator who is surveying for potential victims the use of euphemisms and slang terminology for the sexual anatomy and acts identifies a susceptible mark. The reason for this is that when a perpetrator grooms a child for abuse – a process that make take years – it is dependent upon maintaining trust, secrecy and the feeling of a special relationship. The improper naming of the child's anatomy signals to the perpetrator that this child does not have a healthy relationship with a responsible adult about sexuality and what is inappropriate behaviour or contact. Thus, the child's education about his or her sexuality has been relegated to the abuser. The perpetrator can also expand the child's perception that his or her sexuality is secret and private by encouraging the child to maintain the secrecy of the abuse.
When a child knows the proper terms for his or her anatomy this is a clear signal to a potential abuser that this child has been informed about his or her sexuality. The time to teach children about this is concurrent with the teaching about other parts of the child's anatomy.
If you don't feel that you can openly discuss any sexual related issue with your child at anytime – at your prompting – then you don't need to do that because others will readily do this for you. They include child sex abusers, rape counselors, psychological therapists, divorce attorneys, probation officers and judges imposing criminal penalties.
So make the decision about who is going to teach your child about his or her sexuality and child sexual abuse and then act upon it.
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Parents who would like to achieve the best outcome for their children in a contested child custody case should visit my website and contact my scheduler to make an appointment to meet with me. Attorneys may request a free consultation to learn how I can maximize their advocacy for their clients.
Connect with me for the latest Indiana child custody related policy considerations, findings, court rulings and discussions.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Most Parents Encourage Sexual Abuse of Their Children
Friday, June 25, 2010
Providing opportunities for sexual abuse of children
One of the most devastating events in the life of a child is sexual abuse. The physical act itself, while sometimes horrific, does not have the lasting consequences as that of the psychological effects.
Most often the abuser is someone in a position of trust in the life of the child. It is this violation of the trust that destroys the underpinnings of the relationship between the child and the adult world replete with suitable caregivers. It is that which was to be but now isn't that is the betrayal to the child that is most injurious.
A child suffering this abuse seeks a hegira to escape the abuse but the physical bounds may leave only a psychological journey from which mental disorders may flourish. It is those physical bounds and the dirty secret which create them that I wish to expose and open to remediation today.
I often write about child sexual abuse and am very passionate about this issue. I am not a direct victim of sexual abuse, but rather, I am one of the collateral victims. I had friends in school that had been victims of sexual abuse and my wife had also been.
My wife never knew how to properly relate to men. To her a relationship with a man was always sexual. Although I tried to accommodate this it eventually got to where she had no interest in providing at least minimal care to our child. Her life became consumed by pursuing sexual relationships with other men. Ultimately the finality was her abandonment of our family in favour or going to live with one of her sexual partners.
I continue to see the effects of sexual abuse happening among my friends today. What I have seen in 25 years is that there is a common link among them all.
If you are so fortunate that you have not been a direct victim or seen the effects of this often hidden tragedy then you are blessed.
There is no single family dynamic that sexual abuse is limited to but some do increase the risk of an occurrence. Family dynamics are not collected as part of child sexual abuse reporting although those of us who are advocates know that it is a significant factor. There are many studies that reinforce this concern. Particularly there is this finding:
Children living in stepfamilies or with single parents are at higher risk of physical or sexual assault than children living with two biological or adoptive parents. [fn1]
The latest federal survey on child maltreatment tallies nearly 900,000 abuse incidents reported to state agencies in 2005, but doesn't delve into how abuse rates correlate with parents' marital status or the makeup of a child's household. The sensitivity of probing into private lives is among many problems underlying the lack of definitive data correlating abuse with parents' marital status and household makeup. Although agencies do not collect familial status data, independent studies reveal some of the needed information.
The reality that policymakers, judges and profiteers in the child custody market don't want exposed is that some single mothers provide opportunities for sexual abuse of their children. Research demonstrates a direct correlation between the potential for sexual abuse of children and the familial relationships in which they reside. Particularly, children living in a sole custody with their mother arrangement are at a statistically significantly increased risk of sexual abuse or assault than those in Shared Parenting arrangements.
One of the reasons for the increased risk of sexual abuse of children in households headed by mothers is the lack of a biological component. "I've seen many cases of physical and sexual abuse that come up with boyfriends, stepparents," said Eliana Gil, clinical director for the national abuse-prevention group Childhelp. "It comes down to the fact they don't have a relationship established with these kids," she said.
A man whose motivation to reside with the mother is primarily sexual in nature may not feel the repulsion to engage in sexual activities with the children that naturally occurs with a biological parent. I previously wrote about how young girls prepare themselves for sexual relations at an earlier age when exposed to unrelated men in the household.
In Inducing premature puberty in girls I stated "The critical time for exposure to the "strange male" seems to be the first five to seven years of life, when the pathways to puberty are set down. Dr Ellis speculates that an environmentally triggered process shunts the girl towards a particular reproductive strategy. This process may be influenced by male pheromones secreted by the body. The pheromones of unrelated males apparently accelerate puberty development while the scent of the biological father may delay maturation."
It is this natural biological process that may "invite" the mother's partner into sexual relations with her daughters which are unrelated to him. Many scholars and front-line caseworkers see the abusive-boyfriend syndrome as part of a broader trend that deeply worries them. They note an ever-increasing share of America's children grow up in homes without both biological parents, and say the risk of child abuse is markedly higher in the nontraditional family structures.
“This is the dark underbelly of cohabitation,” said Brad Wilcox, a University of Virginia sociologist. “Cohabitation has become quite common, and most people think, 'What's the harm?' The harm is we're increasing a pattern of relationships that's not good for children.'' Unfortunately even when abuse is occurring and known to the mother, in some instances, she will not intervene out of fear of losing the companionship of her partner or financial support that he is providing.
"Children being raised by one parent are at a greater risk for many things as they grow up," said William C. Holmes, MD, MSCE, Assistant Professor of Medicine and Epidemiology at the University of Pennsylvania, and at the Center for Health Equity Research and Promotion at the Philadelphia VA Medical Center, reports his findings the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health. "We now must add childhood sexual abuse to part of this risk picture."
Numerous studies confirm the risk of sexual abuse of children living with a mother and an unrelated father figure. In a study of 700 adolescents, researchers found that "compared to families with two natural parents living in the home, adolescents from single-parent families have been found to engage in greater and earlier sexual activity." [fn2] Although not always with the mother's partner sometime it is and in many of the cases the sexual activity is in an unhealthy relationship.
A study of 156 victims of child sexual abuse found that the majority of the children came from disrupted or single-parent homes; only 31 percent of the children lived with both biological parents. Although stepfamilies make up only about 10 percent of all families, 27 percent of the abused children lived with either a stepfather or the mother's boyfriend. [fn3] Again, the abuse is not directly linked to the mother's partner but the correlation between the sexual abuse and that living arrangement exists.
A clear indicator or sexual abuse or unhealthy sexual relationships is the perpetration of rape. Sixty percent of America's rapists grew up without fathers. [fn4] It is often the sexual abuse suffered as a child that results in the learned behaviour of forced sexual relations.
"There is definitely something about being raised by one-parent that independently contributes to the higher risk for sexual abuse. While children from lower income one-parent households are at a higher risk, better socioeconomics of the household don't make the risk go away completely." said William C. Holmes.
Earlier I mentioned that I had seen a common link over 25 years of my friends who had been sexually abused. I know many young girls who have sought my assistance, counsel or have simply needed a confidante to listen to them. Those that I know have been sexually abused along with those who engage in sexual relationships at a young age have little or no contact with their biological father. Of those whom I have known were sexually abused by an adult male it was most often someone the mother had invited into the house and in some cases the mother knew but did nothing to stop it.
Being a single parent is a difficult task for any man or woman. In addition to the myriad of responsibilities that one parent must single handedly tackle one more must be talked about openly and placed at the top; that is being vigilant to guard against potential sexual abuse, especially by a live-in partner.
Many considerations are involved in the balancing factors when contemplating divorce. Increasing the risk that your child will be sexually abused must be added to this. Mothers must carefully examine whether to allow another father figure to come into her household. Fathers must stay involved with their children.
Both parents need to communicate openly with their children about their reproductive system and the rights and responsibilities that go along with that. Children need to feel comfortable that they can confide with at least one parent about any sexual related issue. This must start at a very young age especially among high risk groups.
Although the legal system should disbelieve a child and approach an accusation of sexual abuse with doubt, parents should always initially accept the child's statements as true. This does not mean that it should become part of the artillery in the custody battle war-chest. Rather, both parents should discuss this type of concern with each other. Naturally, if the other parent is the subject of the alleged abuse then discretion should be used in how the subject is broached.
The impact of sexual abuse on a child is so severe and long lasting that no parent should in good conscious be able to put their desires ahead of the need to protect the children. Quite clearly children do need both parents.
Footnotes
[1] According to several studies co-authored by David Finkelhor, director of the University of New Hampshire's Crimes Against Children Research Center.
[2] Carol W. Metzler, et al. "The Social Context for Risky Sexual Behavior Among Adolescents," Journal of Behavioral Medicine 17 (1994).
[3] Beverly Gomes-Schwartz, Jonathan Horowitz, and Albert P. Cardarelli, "Child Sexual Abuse Victims and Their Treatment," U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention.
[4] D. Cornell (et al.), Behavioral Sciences and the Law, 5. 1987. And N. Davidson, "Life Without Father," Policy Review. 1990.
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Make a suggestion for me to write about.
Parents who would like to achieve the best outcome for their children in a contested child custody case should visit my website and contact my scheduler to make an appointment to meet with me. Attorneys may request a free consultation to learn how I can maximize their advocacy for their clients.
Connect with me for the latest Indiana child custody related policy considerations, findings, court rulings and discussions. 
