Saturday, June 18, 2016

What will you give to a father on Father’s Day?

Like so many days sets aside as honour to someone, business interests have commercialized Father’s Day. Thankfully it seems limited more toward male attire and accoutrements while mattress sellers have avoided the temptation to sabotage this day also. Nevertheless commercials promote the concept that due regard to fathers should be expressed through the purchase of merchandise. However, I contend, with a sound basis that it is not merchandise that most fathers seek.

First, as an avid patron of yard sales while endeavoring to build my movie collection, I get to see the unused specially packaged gift sets for sale that are offered during the Father’s Day period. Second, as an advisor to litigants in contested child custody cases I hear first hand what parents most want -- additional time with their children. Admittedly, in these custody cases not all are seeking this additional time for the benefit of the child. I use a vetting process that keeps those who are motivated by a desire to deprive the other parent from wasting any more of my time. What remains though is a significant portion who honestly desire to provide more support to and be a greater influence in the lives of their children. They do so without expectation of recompense or notoriety. To them Father’s Day, or respectively Mother’s Day, is an opportunity to enjoy a day with their children set aside specifically for them as recognized by the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines or those of other states.

So when I ask What will you give to a father on Father’s Day? I am addressing not only the children but also the mothers of the children. Certainly some token memento of the day is appropriate from children to fathers as a keepsake for fathers to be reminded of the adoration of their children. That is so long as those are given with sincere appreciation and not out of perfunctory duty or perceived obligation.

So to the mothers I ask what will you give to the father of your children in common? For some it will be more than he is willing or they can persuade him to take. They wish they had one of my litigious fathers seeking more parenting time as the father of their children. Yet others will proclaim to give nothing more than the law allows, or less, and do so only under protest. It is these mothers whom I most want to hear me. [In about 10 months the counterpart fathers are going to get the same lecture]

In cognitive behavioural therapy the goal is to change the actions or reactions that one performs. This is done by altering the cognition -- how one perceives and processes the sensory input received from his or her environment.

Upon understanding the truism that we are where are actions put us the parent who denigrates the other is a bit of an enigma. They certainly don’t like it when other people put them down or denigrate them but they do it to themselves. I hear or read the rants of this type of mother berating the father of her children and calling him every foul name she can extract from the recesses of her mind. I ask, “Why are you so down on yourself. Why do you think you are such a loser?” The quick retort is something to the effect of she is not the loser but he is. This demonstrates a cognitive fallacy.

A cockroach is a cockroach and does what a cockroach does. So when the cockroach gets invited into the home, gets declared the pinnacle of civility, and then doesn’t perform as desired who is to blame? Certainly not the cockroach who was just being himself. If you thought that a cockroach was going to be a great housemate and table guest but then realized such wasn’t so you should just learn from that experience. If you blame the cockroach for the sanitary issues in your home then you are experiencing a cognitive fallacy. The fault is your own but you should not beat yourself up over it for years to come. Oddly enough though parents will do this in regards to the other parent after a relationship dissolves.

Selecting a mate with whom one will bear children is the most important contemplative decision one can ever make. That decision, whether spontaneous or after lengthy consideration, does not come without exhaustive deliberation. For some people that deliberation is nearly totally a process of the subconscious based upon a lifetime of experiences -- intuitive. Others may take a more mindful approach through the use of pros and cons lists, discussion with friends, or discussion with the potential mate. Either way the selection of the person with whom each of us has bore children was a deliberate process that represents the best judgment and decision making skills we possessed at the time.

By denigrating the object of that careful selection process through and ongoing and vociferous process is to challenge one’s own judgment skills. Selecting that parenting partner can be analogous to selecting house paint. This could include going to a paint store, choosing numerous swatches, looking at them on the side of the house during different lighting conditions, and finally selecting one. Once applied to the house if the colour choice doesn’t appear as appealing as had been envisioned it cannot be healthy for one to constantly tell himself or herself what a horrible colour it is. To do so is to say I made a horrible decision, I suck at choosing paint colours, I am a complete moron. The parent who denigrates the other parent is simply reminding himself or herself that he or she is an idiot with a cranial-rectal impaction.

So maybe what you should give to a father this year is a new lens for yourself by which you will view him. One that is more reflective of the positive aspects upon which you had decided he was the best of all. When you do this let the actions from this new cognition and attitude flow. Then you will feel better about yourself, benefit from his reciprocal behaviour and be a better parent for your children.

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Parents who would like to achieve the best outcome for their children in a contested child custody case should visit my website and contact my scheduler to make an appointment to meet with me. Attorneys may request a free consultation to learn how I can maximize their advocacy for their clients.

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©2008, 2016 Stuart Showalter, LLC. Permission is granted to all non-commercial entities to reproduce this article in it's entirety with credit given.

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Thursday, June 16, 2016

The soft insult and reducing marital or relationship conflict

My experience in contested child custody litigation has provided great insight into the root causes of marital conflict. For over 10 years I have viewed marriages from the dysfunction perspective and helped at least one side in each relationship to mitigate the causes of the contentiousness of the post-marital relationship. In this rationation I will attempt to provide to you some strategies for recognizing and understanding insults that you may be delivering and how to modify your delivery so as to not have your audience perceive your utterances as demeaning.

Some insults jump straight out of the gate and hit you dead on. Everyone recognizes those by their content which often includes applying some diminutive term to the recipient. You have likely also experienced what I refer to as the “soft insult”. You may hear it called a back-handed compliment, indirect insult or drive-by insult.

The soft insult may require a more discerning ear to recognize. A spouse or someone of a similar relationship is best suited to both recognize and deliver these insults because they are context dependent. Motivations for the soft insult vary but I suspect that they serve the speaker’s desire to be satisfied by imparting the verbal slight without becoming engaged in a full-scale confrontation. It can provide the sense of having bested the target and also bring to a close the engagement without having to support the position.

A healthy relationship includes vigorous argument. Arguing demonstrates a sense of caring or concern. One does not argue for the sense of self satisfaction but, rather, to persuade the other party to adopt the proponent’s position or convince him or her of its efficacy for his or her benefit.

Arguments in marital relationships are more often brought to my attention in the post marital child custody litigation phase whereupon they usually are of an unhealthy nature. It is at this time when the ultimate benefactor of the debate should be the child. So it is also critical that the argument be conducted in a manner that reduces the potential for it to devolve into a fight.

The soft insult can easily take a healthy argument and turn it into a non-productive fight. The introduction of an adverb such as “finally” can change the tone of an innocuous sentence to one that is hostile. Read the following three sentences in the context of parents discussing a health issue for their son;
“I am glad to see that you have an interest in his well-being.”
“I am glad to see that you have taken an interest in his well-being.”
“I am glad to see that you have finally taken an interest in his well-being.”
Do you recognize the hostility in the third sentence? It says that your interest is long overdue. The message being conveyed is that you are selfish and haven’t been concerned about him until now, likely just to cause me grief by seeking an alternative course of care. The second sentence may not be as easy to recognize as being a soft insult but it is. It says that you have not had a prior interest. The message being conveyed is that I am assuring myself that I have been the one who has been the caretaker for our son.

That type of soft insult which attacks the efforts or motivations of someone may be more easy to recognize than this next type. From a speaker’s perspective there may be genuine concern for the well-being of the target of the next type of insult. Insulting conveyances are still just that though regardless of intent.

Intercessory prayer seeks to have an imaginary omnipresence intervene on behalf of someone, generally to bring about some perceived positive change. Prayers that the cancer invading a person’s body be eradicated are a common type of request for intercession. It is the seeking of this positive change however which may lead to the insult. By implication a positive change applies to a negative situation or state.

Of course seeking to have someone freed of cancer could hardly be perceived as insulting. Apply this same prayer model to any of a range of disagreements and the soft insult becomes more apparent.

Imagine a conversation with a friend over the issue of school choice. One of you holds the position that parents should receive vouchers to be applied to whatever school they would like for their child to attend. The other holds the position that parents should seek to improve the public school in their local district instead of abandoning the school.

After a lively debate about the pros and cons of each position as well as the obligations to one’s own children and the children of a community as a whole it becomes obvious that you are both caught in a stalemate. It is the closing of this debate upon which a remark such as, “I will pray for you” is made.

Recall that the basis of intercessory prayer is to correct an error. Thus, what is being said in that prayer statement is I know your position is incorrect, I have been unable to convince you otherwise, and I am going to seek supernatural intervention to help you pull your head out of your ass. When stated that bluntly the insult to the recipient is clearly evident and the person delivering it is quite aware that it is demeaning. It is intended to be so but delivered in a way that allows for plausible deniability.

The person with integrity will not parse words but will directly say what is intended. The “I will pray for you” quip in an argument is used euphemistically for implying that the recipient is a brainless moron and such an implication should be avoided. If such an insult is not intended then the phrase should not be used.

Monitor your language carefully when engaged in argument. If you experience the feeling that you wouldn’t make a particular quip to anyone else but that person in the spousal type relationship then you probably should avoid making it. It is these soft insults that take healthy debates and turn them into fights in which the objective changes from seeking to convince to winning the battle.

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Parents who would like to achieve the best outcome for their children in a contested child custody case should visit my website and contact my scheduler to make an appointment to meet with me. Attorneys may request a free consultation to learn how I can maximize their advocacy for their clients.

Connect with me for the latest Indiana child custody related policy considerations, findings, court rulings and discussions.

View Stuart Showalter's profile on LinkedIn



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©2008, 2016 Stuart Showalter, LLC. Permission is granted to all non-commercial entities to reproduce this article in it's entirety with credit given.

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